


another head aches / another heart breaks

by nutellamuffin



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abused Sirius Black (Mentioned), Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canonical Character Death, Death, Mother-Son Relationship, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans are Childhood Friends, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Terminal Illnesses, The Poor Lupins, and he doesn't deserve that, and lyall is still a Trying Dad, and remus always wants to suffer alone, hope's death isn't touched upon enough, listen, they really don't deserve this, well maybe not WANTS but makes sure he does
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:54:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26662516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nutellamuffin/pseuds/nutellamuffin
Summary: not yet,he prayed, grasping his mother’s hand by her bedside.not yet, not yet,not yet.
Relationships: Hope Lupin & Lyall Lupin & Remus Lupin, Hope Lupin & Remus Lupin, Hope Lupin/Lyall Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, if you squint
Comments: 8
Kudos: 35





	another head aches / another heart breaks

**Author's Note:**

> TWS: possible tw for remus' eating habits after her death- just generally feeling sick. also tw for mentioned abuse, i don't go into much detail but it does mention it in the first bit. also possible tw for going into detail about the characteristics of hope's dead body, but this IS a drabble ABOUT her death, so if you're uncomfortable with that in general then you might not want to read.
> 
> title is from all these things that i've done by the killers.

if remus' parents were anything, they were good people. remus couldn't count the amount of things he'd be on the street for if they weren't. they were barely off the streets to begin with, what with their already small amount of money being invested into hope's medication. (her medication, which wasn't working. her medication, which made her think she could still busy around the kitchen making meals and doing laundry, even though lyall and remus insisted she let them do it; hope was stubborn, in the sweetest, kindest way, but she was also a muggle. lyall kept his wand to himself per her request, and she hung the laundry by hand.)

but having kind parents didn’t mean remus was a stranger to horrid ones.

he saw the way his mother’s eyes hardened whenever she heard of it; the parents who scorned their children for every little thing, the parents that shoved their children out of the house for things they couldn’t control. furthermore, he saw the  _ understanding _ in her gaze, and by the time he was seven he had put together why they never visited his grandparents.

and he wasn't unaware of how toxic the black home was. oftentimes he tried to get through to sirius, when he'd come into the dormitories from winter break covered in bruises and scrapes, but still wore a hollow smile; and remus would sit him down, and tell him to come home with him. hope would love him, he knew she would. but sirius wouldn't go. and now sirius seemed to have found his own way out, but it was too good to share with remus. or so it appeared. 

remus knew what everyone else thought of him, at first. with his disappearances every month and coming back bloody, his scars littering his body and a fear of the dark and loud noises; giving a pathetic excuse of "family business" for his absences. to the marauders, to lily, and anyone else who came across him, there could be nothing clearer; remus' home life was not treating him kindly.

and it wasn't, but it couldn't be for a reason farther than what people thought. his parents were not hurting him; his parents were hurting  _ themselves  _ in an attempt to save him. remus had long since known it was frugal, but he couldn't get them to stop. and his mother got sicker and sicker, and his father got more and more exhausted, and remus, for the first time in his life, was the most whole out of the three of them.

if only the three of them could last.

it was four days before school let out for the summer after sixth year when remus was called into dumbledore’s office. it could be a range of things, and he thought over every one as he made his way up the stairs; it could be the firecrackers in severus’ bookbag from two days ago, it could be the bandages that bled through last time remus was in the hospital wing. or it could be the one thing he was dreading most in the world.

almost.

dumbledore merely gave him that look that everyone knew through his glasses, and he didn’t have to say anything before remus said, “i suppose i should go home early.”

the headmaster sat back in his chair, and there was no mistaking the grim look on his worn face. “i suppose you should, mr. lupin.”

remus shifted his weight to his other foot, clenching and unclenching his fists by his sides. he stared at a singular spot on the floor and wondered what life would be like if he wasn’t there at all. “is she-” his voice got caught in his throat and he scorned it, coaxing it back out again, “is she?”

“not yet.” dumbledore’s voice, in remus’ opinion, was supposed to be calming. that’s what he had thought the first time he heard it, and every time since then;  _ it’s supposed to be soothing, _ he’d thought, ten years old and much too small for his seat in front of a stack of papers. maybe his heart was beating too fast then for it to be so, or maybe dumbledore’s voice was never so soothing after all.

remus nodded once and left the school behind.

_ not yet. _ he hated that the only thing going through his mind was from a voice that he could not seek comfort in. (as he was supposed to. as he was supposed to praise, as he was supposed to be grateful for. not as he was supposed to feel indebted to. but he could not shake that feeling.)

_ not yet, _ he prayed, grasping his mother’s hand by her bedside.  _ not yet, not yet,  _ **_not yet._ **

and she still looked like an angel, even now. pale as ever, in remus and lyall’s eyes she glowed; and her own, nearly dull, were like pools of indigo you’d find in a fairytale pond; and her voice had nearly dwindled to nothing, but she still made herself brush both their tears away with a clammy hand and whisper,  _ i don’t want you both to start forgetting to do your laundry; _ and even though she was joking, with a watery smile on her lips in the attempt to make their last memories of her ones with laughter, the sob that left remus’ lips would haunt his father’s mind for the rest of his life.

remus didn’t say anything like  _ you can’t leave us _ or  _ stay _ , and neither did lyall. they knew this had been long coming for nearly four years. but that didn’t mean they were ready. and even though remus didn’t say a thing of the sort while her heart still beat, and even though he promised himself that he wouldn’t cry so much,  _ hope didn’t want him to cry so much, _ he still knelt by her bedside, holding her cold hand, and whispered,  **_why her?_ **

he sat at her side table in a worn antique chair for all four days he had left. he didn’t eat or drink a thing, and perhaps hope knew she couldn’t convince him; or perhaps she merely didn’t notice, because never in his life had she let him miss a meal. 

and it was just another broken thing after she was gone that remus began to eat again- even when he wanted to toss the plate out the window, even when he felt even  _ sicker _ after he’d had lunch- because he knew that she would want him to.

there was no telling who was the most whole out of the two of them, this time.

no one knew what was stranger; why remus hadn’t said a word to any of them all summer after vanishing from school early, or why lily engulfed him in the biggest hug the moment she spotted him.

“oi- moony! moony, we thought you died!” james snorted, though it was a tense sound, and no one commented on how there was an anxious edge to it as he went to lightly sock remus in the shoulder.

peter had his gaze focused on the ground, and sirius took a step closer, looking like he was about to say something- and then lily shoved through james and peter both, and threw her arms around remus.

“m’sorry rem, i’m so, so sorry,” she whispered, and remus couldn’t even focus on how the others were staring as he winded his arms around her waist to return the hug and hung his head to hide in her shoulder. she was on the tips of her toes to hug him like this, and maybe that was why she was squeezing so tight; or maybe, it was because she knew that she needed to remind remus he was still breathing.

(he didn’t ask how she knew, and later she’d tell him that her own parents informed her; they had never been very fond of lyall, but lily’s mother was close with hope, and they could at least pretend to hold as much care for a grieving husband.)

no one else could hear her as she ran her fingers into his hair to hold him closer still, and murmured quiet condolences about how it was alright to cry. remus’ eyes remained dry, but that didn’t stop the urge to want to pull at his curls and scream.

**Author's Note:**

> when james makes the joke about thinking remus died i'm not trying to bash him, we stan james potter in this house- & plus, i think it would be in character for that being the way he coped with how worried he was about remus.


End file.
